Chapter 10: Back to school.

Going back to school didn't turn out to be great, either. Why would it? I even reached the point where I missed Satsuki's classes! At least she pushed me, in random directions. School turned to slow down the learning process. It felt impractical. I used to go back home and study at my own pace, regaining the freedom I once had but never felt.

Meeting others wasn't precisely amusing. I was eager for it, but didn't seem to have developed the social chops required. On day one, I was received by a hemicycle of kids who insisted in insulting me. As I found out later, all had been orchestrated by Herman —who was, very much, a non-physically violent bully that used social tactics to humiliate others. He wouldn't hector anyone by himself, or directly. He was a coward, with enough social skills and lack of empathy to explain his behavior.

Did I deserve it? At the moment, it felt like I did. Yet I couldn't explain why. I concentrated on finding out what was my problem. Rather than being a homeschooled weirdo, being the only student of mixed Asian and American ancestry in my class seemed to be enough for the capricious cruelty of some other children. Indoctrinated racism, supported by an annoyingly prideful ignorance. Racism... or whatever term to describe that the everpresent bullies would resort to using my genotype as a weapon, splashed over their unenlightened view of human groups and cultures.

Teachers and parents didn't give this kind of “children's expressions” much importance, nor considered them a projection of their own failures. I felt that things hadn't changed much at their core. I won't go on a tirade of how American-Japanese had to unjustly endure concentration camp conditions in the United States during the second World War. As true to fact as they are, I had enough of these from Satsuki, even if she hadn’t been born yet when my grandparents left Manzanar.

The semicircle once became a full circle.

To sum it all, those times of my childhood weren't precisely happy: great part of my cynicism stems from moments like those. A circle of idiots calling me ‘China’ while squinting or pulling their eyes with their fingers wasn't a head start for hope nor trust in Humankind. It wasn't only their “slanted eyes” gesture, nor whatever they said. It was the fact that they were clearly stating that I wasn't one of them. That I was inferior.

Even back then, this instigated suffering wasn’t damaging my self-steem too much. I understood the dynamics of their social positioning and... more than anything else, it angered me how cowardly and needless the whole theatrics of bullying were. Humans, at their core, weren’t any good.

And apparently those idiots couldn't even educate themselves in the distinction between Japanese and Chinese. Not that it mattered. I ended up taking their stupidity stoically, trying to endure their rituals of humiliation —but I couldn't stop that from leaving a certain imprint of ire and distrust.

Still, I inevitably made some friends. Most were girls, and we did pretty innocent stuff. I fondly remember the group of friends comprised by two Lauras, one Megan, and I. We studied and did tomboy stuff together.

They never visited Satsuki's house. I didn't want to mix, fearing that the little good things in life would be spoiled by the ugliness of the whole picture. I feared how Satsuki would judge them. It was a pity, because they never had the chance to meet Shadows.

We would have been the group that became goth if we hadn't considered those kinds of self-expression pretty awful —that is, if we weren't that self-conscious and hadn't taken ourselves far too seriously. Well... one Laura actually went through that phase, but it didn't spread: we enjoyed thinking that we were unclassifiable, even if we clearly weren't. We were kinda boring.

I cherished their company, yet our paths were destined to bifurcate through the years. Once the distance settled, I never had the temptation of trying to contact them. Although I always missed what they had been. Instinctively, I buried those times as soon as they became past.