Chapter 12: Loss of shadows.

Strangely, adolescence simplified things. The norm appeared to be conflict, outer and inner: most girls were obsessed with their social positioning and doing whatever was needed to increase their local status, and dealing with changes. Meanwhile, I had a clear vision of a future far from the predictable conclusion that staying in Rustown for the rest of my life would entail. That moment of perceived clarity implied calmness, muting the voices of anxiety. The sure exit was beyond that moment, and that moment meant nothing.

Arguably, my plan was motivated by social positioning as well. If only to position myself outside of that social environment that I grew to despise.

Nonetheless, it seemed that an antiquated plan for women was still current: go fast, go smart with guys... you may marry young and settle —as if that was a prize. The eternal search for safety, pursuing that stench of security. Ugh. The horror. Yes, I felt attracted to guys —but none of them brought the sense of liberation that I much yearned for. In fact, they mostly inspired an opposite feeling. I feared no outside world outside their purported safety net, smothering prison.

As for qualifications, I did quite well. There was no lack of motivation: grades were my ticket out of there. I couldn't expect that Satsuki would assist me financially. A scholarship was the brightest of the scenarios in my line of sight.

Being a good student was something that Satsuki insistently took credit of —as, in her mind, those two point whatever years of homeschooling had been crucial to my success.

Things at Satsuki's house didn't change much. At least, not as much as I changed. The last threads of her cobweb were drying.

One day, in the backyard, Shadows wasn't there. I waited for him until the sunset. I waited for him to be back. I waited for days, months, years. Very much like Ted, he was gone forever.

Very much like Ted's, his disappearence would perpetually sadden me. At all times. I had lost my shadows, at least one of them.

I'd miss how he'd howl to comfort me after that first time I felt swallowed by anxiety about returning to school. How he would give me hope for brighter futures.

On the other hand, I felt that Shadows disappeared in order to let me go away, to let me grow. Maybe we would meet again in one of those better horizons.

As my teenage years were going by, I planned to leave as soon as I was legally entitled to, without disrupting my long term plan. After High School, I was ready to get going. To abandon Rustown and look back with self-righteous pity. Ready to become someone better than the best of those rednecks.